🫂 Meeting friends is self-care
Hey, friends.
Reading about connection regrets in Daniel H. Pink's "The Power of Regret" reminded me of some words that I had been quoted within the graduation newspaper:
Looking back on my life at my deathbed, the only thing I don't want to regret is not giving enough love in my life.
Well, ...
Hit that philosophical Mother Teresa, and you will see my stupid 16-year-old self crying.
I used these words to justify all sorts of hugging. But I'll be honest; I didn't put much thought into this.
What was funny at that time, definitely seems weird in retrospect.
Nevertheless, I think there is something about those words. How they were intended to mask an awkward feeling funny. Dressed as a funny paradigm, they highlight the need for love. And those words achieved a goal:
Overcoming what might be a strange situation in favour of human connection.
Love was never in short supply among my friends.
Anyway, this week, I want to share with you the most common type of regret that people have in their lives: Connection regrets.
⭐️ Main takeaways for the week
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Not keeping connection: The one thing that humans regret the most.
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What holds us back from reaching out
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How to fight the fear of reaching out
🫂 Connection regrets
Connection regrets are the largest ones in the deep structure of human regret.
People have different types of relationships:
- Spouses
- Partners
- Parents
- Children
- Friends
Regrets in these affairs almost always share the same story: A relationship that was once intact or that ought to be intact no longer is.
Sometimes, this is because of a death, and there is not much that we can do. Many times, we yearn to close the circle.
But we hesitate because it requires effort, provides uncertainty and bears the fear of being rejected.
Listen to the words
"If only I had reached out"
and you will hear connection regret speaking.
It's never too late. Is it?
I regret not being nicer to my mum. I took her for granted when I was younger, thinking that I was so much smarter than she was (a typical teenager).
When I grew up, we argued over politics, and both of us were passionate about our viewpoints. Now that she is gone, I miss her desperately. I did the daughter thing all wrong.
I look at my daughters and pray that they are kinder to me than I was to my own mum, even though I'm not sure I deserve it. (Female, 54)
Regrets about social relationships are especially painful because they threaten the very sense of belonging.
As a consequence, the need to belong is not only is a fundamental human motive, but a fundamental component of regret.
Sometimes the opportunity has passed to repair a relationship. The door remains closed and we can't fix them. But closed doors hide a benefit: They show us how regrets can make us better.
Once we miss an opportunity, we make a much more concerted effort next time.
Rifts and drifts**
There may be many regrets about relationships, but there are only two specific ways a relationship might end: Suddenly rifting or gradually drifting.
A sudden rift often appears after a catalysing incident - an insult, disclosure, or betrayal. It leads to hard feelings and hardened positions. For example:
I regret reacting negatively when I found out my daughter-in-law and my son were immigrating back to her home in Australia after we were led to believe she wanted to live near us. They left and are now estranged.
Drifts, on the other hand, follow a muddier narrative. They lack a distinct start, middle, or end. One day, the connection existed; the next day, we looked up, and it was gone.
It may sound like:
I wish I had tried harder to foster deeper relationships with my work colleagues. I have worked at the same place for over thirty years, but I'm not sure I would really call any of the people I've worked with a close friend (Male, 62)
Rifts in relationships are dramatic and produce strong emotions like anger or jealousy. Drifts, on the other hand, are more subtle and shallow, which may feel less legitimate.
We can sense when relationships are off. More often than not, the solution is just a phone call away. Yet what keeps us stalling is a feeling of awkwardness. The fear is that a friendly gesture "might not seem right" to the other.
If you are keen on seizing every opportunity to meet with friends when you feel the fear of missing out (FOMO), the fear of reaching out (FORO) is quite the opposite.
It's the flawed feeling that you get when you overestimate how uncomfortable the person receiving your gesture would feel and underestimate how positively that person would react.
But those feelings are misplaced. In fact, they are not awkward at all.
There are various studies where people who have been reached out to with compliments did not feel bothered or uncomfortable at all.
This shows that, more often than not, our minds just make things up.
This emotion is quite common, and social psychologists have a name for it: Pluralistic ignorance.
It's the very situation that teachers are trying to combat when they encourage students to ask "stupid" questions because other students "might have them too" and are just too shy to ask. The situation becomes one, where we mistakenly assume that our thoughts or beliefs differ vastly from everyone else, especially when those thoughts seem odd compared to the broader public behaviour.
💭 Closing thoughts
Happiness = Love.
The longest-running study of the lifetime well-being of adults, the Study of Adult Development at Harvard Medical School, is summarised as follows:
Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives... Those ties protect people from life's discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board.
Put into the words of the director of the study, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger:
Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care, too. That, I think, is the revelation.
Meaningful relationships are key when it comes to what gives our lives significance and satisfaction.
Yet, sometimes, relationships come apart. They rift and drift sometimes by intent, sometimes by accident.
When they do, the study above strongly suggests making the effort to fix it—making that phone call, writing that letter, and reaching out. Yet what often stands in our way is the feeling of awkwardness.
It's the feeling that jumps the queue of our actions and leaves us putting things off. We overestimate how awkward we feel and underestimate how much others will welcome our gestures. Too often, we presume that our own preferences are unique. They are not.
In most cases, people feel much the same way.
The solution is barely simple. Do something now.
Grab the phone and place that call. Make that visit. Say what you feel.
Fight the fear of reaching out.
Fight the fear of reaching out. Your eight-ninety-something-year-old self will thank you.
Happy Sunday!
Best,
Florian
